Welcome to what I hope I will be many entries in my new blog about Riding with anxiety. I will document and share with readers my struggle to work and (hopefully) excel in the equestrian world in spite of having PTSD and Anxiety. I will also post average, every day things about my family, likes and dislikes, and just random things in general, as it is after all my life, and while riding is a HUGE part of my life, it is not the only thing in it. :)

So who the heck am I, you ask? I am a Professional Groom who has been working with and around horses since the mid 1970's. I grew up in the Rogue Valley of Southern Oregon, and I now live with my wonderful wife and our many beloved furkids in BC, Canada. (Oh, that's another thing. Bigots beware! If you have an issue with LGBT people, find another Blog to read. Thank you.)

My horse's name is Luna. She is an almost four year old Palomino Quarter Horse/Paint mare. I have had her since she was eighteen months old, and with the exception of one time when her breeder put a halter on her for the very first time, I have taught her every single thing she knows to this point. So if she has issues, I caused em! Thankfully, she has no issues. She is lovely, and smart and the horsey love of my life. *I* have the issues.

I won't go into detail about how I acquired PTSD, only that I am not a soldier and that war was not the cause of it. Suffice it to say that I have been diagnosed, and that is that. My Anxiety has sprung from that, and also with other life experiences that were less than pleasant. I prefer to dwell on how I can deal with these things, not on how I ended up with them.

I've worked with horses for many, many years. It was only recently, after I turned fifty and truly felt my mortality after a fall from Luna (completely my fault, not Luna's at all) that my Anxiety really grabbed me and shook me. Hard.

For over a month I couldn't even think of riding. Even though in my head I knew the fall had been my fault, I knew it wasn't Luna trying to dump me. Regardless, I could not bring myself to throw a leg over her. I worked her from the ground with ease, and complete confidence. We did have a short spell of her deciding not to follow me anymore, and to dance about like a goose when I tried to lead her outside, but a bit of extra ground work and bonding exercises helped us get past that. 

Still, I only worked her from the ground.

The first time I did manage to climb on board, I immediately curled up in a fetal position and froze. The exact thing you are NOT supposed to do, I did it on instinct. To that point in my riding experience I had never done that before, not even when I was first learning to ride. It shocked and appalled me. I dismounted and sat on the ground, my back against the wall of the arena, and just sobbed in fear and embarrassment. Thank the Gods nobody was there to see me!

It took me another month (and a month of lessons) to try again. This time my anxiety was lessened, although Luna's ambling walk immediately set me into an anxious fit and my imagination had her bolting and bucking and throwing me again. That's how PTSD works, it takes the worst case scenario that you have ever experienced or seen and immediately plays it in your mind over and over like a dream that feels real and you have no control over it. 

It is now about a month after that ride, and I have managed a couple of very short rides with no anxiety attacks. I haven't trotted yet, but that is coming as soon as I am comfortable at the walk. The day will come, I'm sure! :)

I just found out today that at the end of May will be a Dressage Schooling Show and I would so much like to enter in the Walk'Trot classes. I'm not sure I will be able to, as I haven't trotted since the fall, and am barely comfortable walking a couple circles. I will take each day at a time and each ride at a time, and see how I progress. I hope you enjoy reading along with me about my journey.

Happy Trails!

Xena and Luna